Someone once asked me, you ask a lot of questions, why is that? What are you seeking so desperately? At that moment the question had hit my conscious with such a force that all sense of speech had left my body and I was bereft of any words.
What WAS I seeking?
I had no answer for this question, just like I never had any answers. Answers always meant the end of destiny, the end of the road, and I wasn’t ready for that. This undying thirst for knowledge had gripped me tightly in its arms and the answers seemed like a million dreams away.
I started asking questions to avoid mediocrity, to build a place for my own self from the ashes. The questions define me, not the answers. The questions are the muse. There is warmth in curiosity, the unfounded feeling of having a forever.
So, what was I seeking?
I was seeking my ownself in this gigantic carnival of a world.
Have you ever picked up a withered flower and wished with all your heart to witness it blooming again?
To once again be a silent spectator of its mesmerising youth?
Have you ever plodded down a busy road, bustling with nothing but unfounded nostalgia?
To relive it all again and see everything burning in your eyes?
Have you walked away from life through a closed door, only to be led back to your ownself?
Have you? I prod, rather intrusively.
Have you loved someone so much that all your senses slow slip away from grasp and you stand back, smiling widely at its departure.
Everything is burning and my soul is tired.
I meant to write something long, something from the heart, something to take the edge off, just something, to heal the bruised art. The words had arrived, tumbling in their path, dragging along with them the dripping ink and its pristine canvas. I meant to rip open every portal there was, to let the pain out, to let it all escape me; to be finally bereft of those silent tears and it felt so soothing, at least in my thoughts. I had it all, my muse was back, but the words betrayed me yet again, this time laughing sinisterly at my gaped soul. The sands of time had etiolated the initial enthusiasm of their arrival and my pen remained unmoved, burdened by the weight of the ink of my thoughts. The canvas lies in tatters now, simply because it could not escape the wrath of my frustrated mind. Another day passes and the pain is still inside begging for the words to stop their sabbatical. I cannot end this cycle and the war inside wages on. The words are fleeting but the agony is perpetual.
Perched on my shoulders, rests a lost little bird, drinking in everything through his shiny beady eyes, somewhat awry of his surroundings yet in a unique state of bliss.
“What keeps you so high about, oh little bird?” I ask him earnestly, curious of his meanderings and adventures.
“I escaped my cage today.” comes his joyful reply.
“What was it like?”
“Like that first drop of rain after a sultry summer, like those precious moments in the morning when there’s nothing more beautiful than a few rays of sunshine. It was like waking up after a horrible nightmare and realising that the demons that torture our souls cannot overpower our flamboyant selves. I escaped my prison with a heavy heart and an exuberant smile, when will you escape yours?” He peers at me slightly, preparing to fly away any minute.
“I’m not a prisoner, just an obstinate person.” I laugh shakily, bewildered at his delusional words.
The bird only gives me a sad smile, pecks my heart repeatedly and takes his leave. He turns back for the last time, stares at me with utter determination and whispers, “
One day even you will be free from your caged heart.”
Do you fear your love too?
Dread the erratic rythmn of it’s melancholy flowing through your vile blood?
Do you also cower away from it’s wrath,
Because heartbreak is inevitable and you’d rather eye it’s disintegration in a dingey alley hidden from daylight than be rejected and strewn around like vintage confetti?
Do you fear your love too?
Dread it’s power to move oceans and brown eyes with frozen hearts?
- Dear Friends, sorry you don’t exist because casual frienships don’t mean a thing.
- Dear First love, I hope you are happy in your life and still in love. You’ve taught me a lot and made me come out of my shell somewhat. What butterflies feel like, I know now only because of you; you will always have a special place in my heart.
- Dear creepy guy, stop interfering in my life.
- Dear bae, for me forever exists and the 18 years I’ve spent with you are the proof. Thank you for understanding me in a way that only you can and not fighting with me because you are the only constant person in my life. Without you, it wont make sense. Thank you for teaching me words that stick around in the vocab even when I despise them wholeheartedly. I can never be sad around you, something that doesn’t happen with anyone else. Btw, I hope your dog starts recognising me soon enough, it breaks my heart evertime he barks at me.
- Dear Best friend I haven’t seen you in over two years and I miss you so much. There are only three events that have impacted my life beyond comprehension and you leaving was one of them. I know you think that your departure left me depressed but maybe embracing solitude for a year and reflecting back on life during this period was the best thing for me. You’ve supported me through thick and thin and made many of my problems vanish magically. I’m glad you are still there for me even tho I have a habit of disappearing off the face of the earth without any prior notice. You are my little ball of love and yes, I am writing something about you, be patient, I haven’t forgotten. Also, please stop overthinking, I know how it affects you as a person. Everything will work out because you are the strongest and most goal-oriented person I know.
- Dear other best friends, to be honest, I don’t know how you people still tolerate me, I am the most irritating, moody and cringe-worthy person I know. So, thank you for sticking by me even when I rant about the same thing over and over again. Thank you for bombarding me with your presence in this life. You people are special (for the lack of a better word). Yes, I’m judgemental but that is who I am, I can’t help it and sorry for zoning out, especially when I am meeting one of you after a long time. I will kill both of you if I don’t get my paragraph soon enough.
- Dear Engineering, Fuck you!
- Dear phone, please stop making me broke!
- Dear food, thank you for helping me stuff down my feelings and sadness.
- Dear Abc, a major Thank you for inspiring me without ever realising it. If even a small fragment of your happiness lies in being with her, then I hope that you get your happy ending, whatever that means for you. Keep writing and inspiring people and earn bucket loads of money.
- Dear cousins, Thank you for making my childhood awesome. Being a single child especially during the first stage of your life is excruciating but spending time with you never made me feel alone. Also, Thank you for ridiculing me.
- Dear books, Thank you for being my companion in awkward situations and lonesome nights.
- Dear poetry, I still don’t understand half of you, but I try.
- Dear people who underestimate me, you’ve never had the pleasure of my company, I feel sorry for you.
- Dear people who still haven’t met me, What are you waiting for?
- Dear people who think I build sandcastles in the air, my dreams are not childish. My passion is just not your forte, stop your mindless bickering. *Does a hair flip*
Note: Some of this is sarcasm. Just saying F.Y.I.