An ode to a very strange year(2017) [This is the most I could do]

Time is a social construct, a bare human necessity, painted meekly on a blank canvas to comprehend everyday happenings and to make sense of the chaos that colors leave behind.

It is an intricate thread of perpetual woes pendent over the aligning glee.

But in the end, time is the sole defining unit that discriminates fiction from reality; time breaks and time heals.

For me, an obstinate being who refuses to abide by the atrocity of the society just because, this last year was excruciatingly arduous and nerve-racking. Frequently I found myself in a dream like daze constantly floating like an aimless cloud, unaware of my surroundings and the transpiring events. Everything became a monotonous routine and being as obnoxiously paradoxical as I am, I despise regularity even more than my often vocalised vexation for change.

It felt like in 2017 I lost everything that I held close to my heart. I lost my drive, my passion and the dreams that constantly motivated me to achieve an ideal future for myself. I lost people who made me believe again. There were days when just the notion of getting out of bed in the morning was immensely exhausting. I stopped eating and grew distant and cold. Unconsciously my mind started picking up futile battles at any given instance, most of which I ultimately regretted; always a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off at even a slight touch. Vulnerable and defeated, I stopped writing completely and believe me finishing this piece has not been easy. Writing made me feel secure during the times when my insecurities rooted themselves deep inside, it was my shield and my sword, my own cozy haven but without it everything ceased. Even reading that was my stress buster became a source of stress.

2017 made me tackle of all the underlying problems I was suppressing(it’s still in progress), I realised that people can endure far more than they think they are capable of and nervous-breakdowns make you stronger, not weak.

Note: I’m sorry if you were waiting for me to complete this(I don’t think anyone was, but if you are reading this, hi5). I earnestly wanted to do it as part of my coping mechanism but I relapsed and you can’t pour your heart out about recovering from something when you’re still suffering its wrath. I guess what I’m trying to say is depression is like that annoying relative that never stops pestering and demoralising you, no matter how hard you try to motivate yourself. To add cherry to the cake, my depression is always accompanied by its ugly cousin anxiety and let me tell you if you thought that having anxiety or depression alone was gruelling then you have no idea how bone crushing both of them together are.

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An Open Letter to everyone I know

  1. Dear Friends, sorry you don’t exist because casual frienships don’t mean a thing.
  2. Dear First love, I hope you are happy in your life and still in love. You’ve taught me a lot and made me come out of my shell somewhat. What butterflies feel like, I know now only because of you; you will always have a special place in my heart.
  3. Dear creepy guy, stop interfering in my life. 
  4. Dear bae, for me forever exists and the 18 years I’ve spent with you are the proof. Thank you for understanding me in a way that only you can and not fighting with me because you are the only constant person in my life. Without you, it wont make sense. Thank you for teaching me words that stick around in the vocab even when I despise them wholeheartedly. I can never be sad around you, something that doesn’t happen with anyone else. Btw, I hope your dog starts recognising me soon enough, it breaks my heart evertime he barks at me.
  5. Dear Best friend I haven’t seen you in over two years and I miss you so much. There are only three events that have impacted my life beyond comprehension and you leaving was one of them. I know you think that your departure left me depressed but maybe embracing solitude for a year and reflecting back on life during this period was the best thing for me. You’ve supported me through thick and thin and made many of my problems vanish magically. I’m glad you are still there for me even tho I have a habit of disappearing off the face of the earth without any prior notice. You are my little ball of love and yes, I am writing something about you, be patient, I haven’t forgotten. Also, please stop overthinking, I know how it affects you as a person. Everything will work out because you are the strongest and most goal-oriented person I know. 
  6. Dear other best friends, to be honest, I don’t know how you people still tolerate me, I am the most irritating, moody and cringe-worthy person I know. So, thank you for sticking by me even when I rant about the same thing over and over again. Thank you for bombarding me with your presence in this life. You people are special (for the lack of a better word). Yes, I’m judgemental but that is who I am, I can’t help it and sorry for zoning out, especially when I am meeting one of you after a long time. I will kill both of you if I don’t get my paragraph soon enough.
  7. Dear Engineering, Fuck you!
  8. Dear phone, please stop making me broke!
  9. Dear food, thank you for helping me stuff down my feelings and sadness.
  10. Dear Abc, a major Thank you for inspiring me without ever realising it. If even a small fragment of your happiness lies in being with her, then I hope that you get your happy ending, whatever that means for you. Keep writing and inspiring people and earn bucket loads of money.
  11. Dear cousins, Thank you for making my childhood awesome. Being a single child especially during the first stage of your life is excruciating but spending time with you never made me feel alone. Also, Thank you for ridiculing me.
  12. Dear books, Thank you for being my companion in awkward situations and lonesome nights. 
  13. Dear poetry, I still don’t understand half of you, but I try.
  14. Dear people who underestimate me, you’ve never had the pleasure of my company, I feel sorry for you.
  15. Dear people who still haven’t met me, What are you waiting for?
  16. Dear people who think I build sandcastles in the air, my dreams are not childish. My passion is just not your forte, stop your mindless bickering. *Does a hair flip*

Note: Some of this is sarcasm. Just saying F.Y.I.